Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kiyuu_kast's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011
10:21 pm	I suck Yea, so I meant to write something the last few days. And yea, it didn't happen. Skipping past the self-criticism for not writing, I'm briefly writing now, so there. I have a headache. I went out with Ronni, Ben, Lori, and some other people that I vaguely know. We were going to go eat at this place called "Quaker Steak and Lube" but it was packed, so we went to Red Robin. I had two drinks there, and that's probably why I have a headache. Well, that and being up since 7:30am - work is... work. Hopefully, I'll write more during work tomorrow - I work at Finn McCool's, so it should be a fairly slack day. Sleep now. Fo real. Current Mood: headachey (Comment on this)
Friday, April 29th, 2011
3:03 am	Where can I find a monocle!??!? So I'm a little drunk. Wow, I think I start with my journal entries every time with "so". "Ohhhh, sooooo" (asian accent). Anyhoooooo - yea, so nothing exciting at work. As usual, got a bit of a head ache towards the end of the night, so decided to have a little night cap. Which turned in to three or four beers, and another two shots (remember, proper english is single digits in writing, multiple digits in number forms [is that right?]). Wow, I'm a light weight now. Mmmm... regardless, I'm writing with my head on the desk, just tired (or is it that my eyes hurt too much to keep them open?)) I'm going to vote for my eyes hurting, though I am a little tipsy. Wow, I wish I had seen Ruthie tonight. I think it's beeen two, weeks> No that i'm keeping track fo the amount of days deliberately. I was talking to this dudeAndrew, who ithere pretty much everynight - talk about checking my naiv-ess - some of the stories he told - a few abgoouth the regulars who frewuent hi occupation place,"Thhe Commonwelath Club" - are en ought to pre any belief in n actualy :"justice" system. Right. So my eyes hurt, and I can't see that well. To tell the truth, I only see a blur where the cursor is. I just fet like writing - prolly because I don't really care (what( I'm writng. Sleep now, well, dogs first, then sleep... hopefully. Erk, sucks I can't even really see what I'm writing, I can only guess. Dogs --> sleep --> all over again. Wrote this with my right eye closed, btw. I think I drove home with that eye closed. I meed/want a monocle. Would it say something different on a license? Regardless, it is difficult to find a place that makes prescription monocles. Current Mood: drunk (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 10th, 2010
7:09 pm	Cruise 2010 part I I’ve been in Japan for the last couple days – haven’t written for a while, but I wanted to make sure all this stuff gets remembered.   First got in to Tokyo after an eleven hour flight that wasn’t too bad.  The trip itself wasn’t bad at all – good food, nice Japanese stewardesses (no male stewards at all, oddly enough), no overly loud babies crying.  The only bad thing was the leg room was a bit cramped.  I guess with all the short Asians, it’s not as big a deal.  We stayed at the Imperial Hotel; it was nice – apparently presidents, rock stars, and all sorts of famous people stay there when in Tokyo.   I really didn’t know what to expect of Tokyo, other than I knew it would be a vertical city, with skyscrapers, etc.  What I didn’t know was how stacked it was.  Buildings weren’t just an up-down affair, where you could follow the base of a skyscraper to its peak.  Instead, Tokyo reminded me of an Esher(sp?) painting.  Stairs leading to stairs with weird perspectives.  You could rarely follow a building to its base; roads were built haphazardly above and below each other.  Also, every fourth person was wearing a face mask, presumably to either keep sickness out or protect others from their own coughs.  It made for a very Orwellian setting, emphasized by the odd architectural designs and flashing advertisements that seemed to be from the 80s.   Skipping over some stuff – briefly, I had left a piece of my luggage behind, so my father, his cousin and daughters and I had to go back to the airport and pick it up.  One detail I noticed on the trip over was how despite how old or beat up a car looked, every automobile had a top-of-the line stereo system, which included a DVD/TV on the dashboard.  I guess Sony just throws them out for free in Tokyo.   After that adventure, we went to Kamakura, where a huge old Buddha statue was.  Oh, I forgot to mention that smoking is illegal in Tokyo – there are only designated smoking areas in buildings, and it seems like most restaurants you can smoke in despite where you sit (no smoking/non-smoking seating areas).  My dad’s cousin smokes, but he only did once, while I was, at the Kamakura Buddha.  I think this shows how the Japanese don’t rely on smoking, like many in the States who recognize and feed their nicotine addiction.  It’s merely something they do when they get a chance, which is very rare.   That evening, started the cruise.  First day at sea, second at Osaka, third at Hiroshima, and today at Fukuoka/Hakata.  Hopefully I’ll fill in details later, but this is enough writing for me for now. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 21st, 2009
12:19 am	Writer's Block: Adult Onset Putting legal definitions aside, at what age do you think someone can really be considered an adult? View 502 Answers Subjectively...  When they feel they can live alone.  By this, I mean that when someone thinks that if their parents disowned them, they would have the skills necessary to survive, then they should be considered adults. In more objective terms (and more clarifying declarations), a person should be considered an adult after passing a set number of critical objectives.  This would include: 1)  Being able to successfully find a job and adequately balance a job with other aspects of their life. 2)  Being able to think abstractly/logically/etc. (Piaget's fourth stage of development). 3)  Realizing and being able to interact with others to live a full life. 4)  Realizing the importance that present decisions play in the future. I guess my objective suggestion wasn't that much better than the subjective one, but it's so hard to put an absolute age on something like this.  I think I matured (in some ways) enough to have been an "adult" at 16.  I was a supervisor at the place of my employment, I was responsible enough to balance school and work, and I could interact with others in a mature and adult fashion.  But I've seen 20 year olds who are less mature and less worthy of "adulthood" than especially mature 14 year olds... If I was forced to put an age on it, I'd go ahead and say adulthood at 17 here in America.  Even America is too diverse for this to be an easy thing to define, and trying to apply a universal age of adulthood across different cultures would be ridiculously myopic.  And since 17 would mean adulthood, it should include all benefits and shortcomings of being an adult (e.g. drinking alcohol, fulfilling federal and state obligations, etc.). Current Mood: blank (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
4:08 pm	first day of spring 09 classes Like I said in the last post, I'm hoping to post a little more this year than in the last 2(?) years. This journal has already proved to be rather valuable in terms of writing both fiction and nonfiction pieces, and my memory still kind of blows. I might post later today, but for now I wanted to praise "Stranger in a Strange Land" by Heinlein. I had actually never read it before, despite its popularity. "Stranger..." is what I'd like to write like. That book, most pieces by Phillip K. Dick; stories that make people think! They're so impressive - Ayn Rand does some decent jobs in her fiction pieces, but to have a story that CAN be JUST a story, but also make you think, is what I'd like to grab. Rand's pieces are a bit too obvious - the story itself is sometimes overshadowed by her messages. Even "Stranger..." has parts like that, but I think it's an admirable goal to work towards writing like those pieces. Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 30th, 2008
1:12 pm	last post of 2008 It's been a long time (clearly) since I posted in this, but as I went through these posts for a fiction project, I came to the conclusion that these poorly written vignettes are useful if I ever plan on writing substantitive nonfiction (or if I'm bored and want to waste time going over the past.) Right, so I guess to recap, I'm now an English and Psychology major, Economics minor. I actually finished all of my english and economics requirements (except for religion), but because I want to get the Psych BA as well, I'll be @ school for another 2 semesters. Reason I did this? 1) My grades sucked, and I figured out that no law school I want to go to would allow me in with an >3.0 GPA. 2) I finally understood how to "do" school my spring semester; I eked out a 3.3 spring 08, and got a 3.6 this semester (I was pissed about the 2 B's - psych 100 and my fiction workshop class should've been A's, but I slacked off too much.) 3) I realized how easily I get bored. With an English and Psychology BA, minor in Econ, I'd like to get in to a joint JD and PsyD graduate program, or get the JD, then go for the PsyD after that. Between a law degree and a psychologist's degree, I should be able to do anything that interests me - if I get bored in one area, there'll be plenty of others. What else has happened? I dated a (then freshman) girl last year, Sasha. We started dating at the end of October, then I broke up with her after spring semester was over. We are still friends with benefits, and I'll be going up to NY in two weeks to go snowboarding with her. We're good friends still, even though she can get on my nerves a lot (more on this later). She has the same sense of kookie/dark humor I do, and she loves Annie. I can't blame her for that, but I really do need to get a new girlfriend, or at least a new fuck buddy, because Sasha's mood swings are really annoying. Like I said, I'll go in to detail with that more in another post. I've been writing a lot - I believe I wrote somewhere in the area of 20k words in two/three weeks at the end of this semester. I got a 98 on an economics paper on antitrust regulations, and I did heavy revisions on nonfiction and fiction works. I'm on my way to California right now, and I'm a bit tired, so I think I'm done writing for now. I've started playing Materia Magica again (was looking for a low-key game that would work on this 5 year old laptop), and I'm still longboarding occasionally. Anyways - CA for a week, then a week at home, then a week in NY before coming back down for another semester full of all psych courses (and one religion gen ed I still haven't got out of the way.) If I'm not writing other things, I hope to write more in this! Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008
4:10 am	I promise I'll be writing more, but for now... Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! In November I ruled Asscrackistan as a cruel and heartless dictator (-700 points). In September I set darcseth's puppy on fire (-66 points). Last Friday I gave defenestrate_me a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points). In April I farted in an elevator (-6 points). In February omnis_evil_twin and I robbed a bank (-50 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-772 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal! Sincerely, kiyuu_kast Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username: Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Friday, October 26th, 2007
2:16 am	"Last Updated 36 Weeks Ago" Wow, what a long time... Lots of stuff has happened, and I guess I've been putting off posting just because I didn't want to go through everything thats happened. Long story short, I'm single now, I have a couple tattoos, I pierced my two ear lobes, got an industrial on my right ear, and got an eyebrow ring above the left eye. Umm, I'm sure there's lots of other stuff I've missed, but I guess I'll get to it as I'm writing. I don't really mean to not write, but I guess being an english major really gets to me. This semester, I usually have about 200+ pages of stuff to read, not to mention papers and shit to write. The papers aren't too bad, except I'm taking philosophy, and we have to read and write about this dude named Lonergan, who's reading consists of stuff like "understanding is the understanding of understandment." So it hurts the brain to read, and then to write that stuff drains a lot out of me. Recently - we (my fraternity) had a retreat this weekend. I don't remember if I wrote about the last retreat; I'm pretty sure I did. Anyways, this time me and my boy Trevor decided to climb a billboard that didn't have stairs - we just used the girders, and then drank about half a handle of Jim Beam between the two of us, and about 14 beers. I blacked out sometime during then, and from what I've heard, Trevor safely got down, and I was climbing down, and I just let go. I was blacked out, so I don't know what I was thinking, but it was about a 15-25 feet drop, and I fucked up my neck, back, and right shoulder pretty bad. I thought it would be fine, but some of my friends and my parents told me I needed to go to ER. They did a shitload of CAT scans and xrays, and nothings broken it looks like. Still, I'm not supposed to sit or stand for more than 30 minutes, and not supposed to walk for more than 10. I have to walk for more than 10 minutes sometimes though just so I can let my professors and shit know whats going on, but I usually wear this stupid looking neck brace, cuz my neck feels like shit. Oh, my grandparents went back to LA in CA. They also sold like three acres of their property for 1.5mill, so since me, my dad, and my sis each own 6% of the "company" we each got checks for 90k. That was a pleasant surprise. It's in a CD right now, but I don't know what I'll do with it when it comes out. I spent about 5k$ getting rid of debts, and then another 3k has to go to housing. Still, 80k is nice. Oh yea, but then I have to pay like fucking 8k in taxes. Fucking government. Oh, the title of the post was cuz I noticed I hadn't updated in that long... That's a long fucking time; almost a year. Mentally, I guess I'm doing alright. Being single sucks; had major drama with Andrea like two weeks ago that I really don't feel like getting in to now. I'm on 75 mg Effexor and hopefully I'll be off it in a couple weeks. I didn't think it was doing anything, but maybe I'm wrong; either way, it's way too high maintenance of an anti-depressant and so I kind of feel like anything else would be better. My fucking eyes hurt right now, and my back hurts, and my neck hurts, but I'm waiting for a call from this Russian girl who has a boyfriend but is really hot and I really need a fucking relationship... Oh, she just called so I'm out. I'll try posting more often (how many times has THAT been said?) Current Mood: groggy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 12th, 2007
3:13 am	Brain Shivers! I haven't written in a long, long time. I keep putting it off over and over again... So much has happened since my last post. I was just looking over when the last post was, and re-reading it a bit... A lot has happened since then. Let me start with what my situation currently looks like. Currently, I am at home with my parents. I came home this weekend because I was supposed to see the eye doctor on Friday, which is close by to where I live, and I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist and a sleep clinic tomorrow. I left my meds at school, and I realized that I only had enough meds to get me through one day - Friday night that I came back. So I didn't really worry too much - I had read that withdrawel symptoms from Effexor include such things called "brain shivers," and I actually looked forward to experiencing something like that. Well, I definately am going through that right now. It's odd, and somewhat exhilirating, if quite a bit disconcerting. You know when someone hits your funny bone on your elbow and it feels like the arm is all tingly for a little while? Well that's kind of what feels like is going on in my head, except whole sections of my body, most noticably my wrists and head, get tingly and, well... fucking weird. I think it might also have to do with the fact that I drank fairly heavily last night. I was just thinking that I could tell the story of why I was drinking heavily last night, and where at, but I would be referencing things that I haven't mentioned before, and so I suppose I need to go into a bit of a history lesson of my last 3(?) weeks. So Lizz and I were on a break, right? Well, apparently the break was much more clean for her than it was for me. I thought that we were just on a hiatus - we would get back into a relationship when we were ready; I had already mentioned to her that I had strong feelings for her, and that was the reason that she wanted a break, I think. So anyways, we're on our break, and one evening I'm talking to Ronni, and she mentions that she was surprised that Lizz was "in a relationship" with this guy on facebook. Surprise, surprise, it's her ex-boyfriend. So basically, I discovered that a relationship was over through the worst possible fashion - through a friend through the internet. That was troublesome. Before this event, actually the day of my last journal post, January 26th, the fourth anniversary of the death of one of my close friends in highschool occured. Despite what many might have assumed, his death was actually fairly significant and... painful to me. Not many people understood how close of friends we were, because we shared most of our time after school, enjoying the clandestine activity of smoking pot. So very few people that knew us both knew how close we were, and how painful his death was. He was a grade below me, so he would have been a sophomore in college right now... Anyways, the third little significant event that occured was the fact that Ronni's boyfriend, Josh, was in a convoy that was hit by an rocket propelled grenade assuault. As disturbing as the matter was, the more disturbing fact was that as soon as I saw the text from Ronni telling me that her boyfriend/fiance was involved in an accident in Iraq, my first thought was "Great, maybe that gives me a chance to finally date Ronni." What a horrible thought. I mean, I talked to my psychologist about it, and she said it can be natural for people to have those thoughts. I wasn't actually thinking harm or ill-will towards Josh, and there really wasn't anything else except that first fleeting thought. Still, an event like that is something that I wasn't happy with - when you have a best friend and all you want is good for her and all she wants is good for you, then having such a... poisonous thought seemed unnatural and... wrong to me. So all that fun stuff happened, and I went home on Saturday, Febuary 3rd, to get my car, in preperation for this weekend of doctors appointments, and my expectation of going to Lizz's aunt's wedding, which was supposed to have occured on the 10th. So on Saturday evening, as I sat at home pondering these three major events to my psyche, and finding a razor that I didn't realize I had left by my bedside, I ended up crying for a couple hours, and cutting. I had been better at not cutting - I wasn't on a daily basis, but I still was occasionally cutting, usually to relieve emotional anguish and the whole grounding to reality thing... Well, this time I accidently took it a little too far. I cut a nice little gash into my wrist, which would not stop bleeding. It just kept going and going... blood was getting everywhere. And at this point, I'm still crying for these events, I'm emotionally stressed out in general, and then as blood is pouring everywhere, I'm thinking that I would be put back into a psychiatric hospital, and how much I wouldn't be able to stand it again. So here's a nice little picture - I'm sitting in the shower, water running, blood turning the water a nice pinkish hue, crying, and rocking back and forth. Wonderful. Well, eventually I got to sleep somehow, and was at least cogent enough to apply pressure and tape my arm up a little bit. So I wake up the next day, notice that I missed a call from my psychologist, whom I had tried calling after originally making the cut the night before, around 3am, and realize that I have to go to the emergency room and get stitches. So as of now, I have an ugly little wound on my left wrist with five stitches in it. One good thing out of this situation is that I am no longer cutting - I threw all my razors away. I suppose the biggest reason for my not cutting now is the fact that stitches are so fucking ugly - and I hate ugliness. Unfortunately, suicide thoughts have been insidiously creeping their way back into my head. Nothing major, just little fleeting thoughts and ponderings. I really haven't let my psy-doc know that much about those... or anyone, really. But they're there. So I think the meds aren't working. And I'm sleeping all the time. I love sleep, and the psy-doc said sleep was better than cutting, so whenever I think of waking up, I just think of how I could be doing worse things, and dreams are so much better than reality. I've been sleeping about 10-14 hours a night, even though the Lunesta isn't working - it takes me at least an hour to FALL asleep, which is another little anxiety thing that works its way into dissolving my mental capacities. Eugh, but hopefully I can get new drugs tomorrow. Back to the present. So last night, I went over to Ronni's apartment, even though she's in North Carolina right now because Josh is back there on base. I'm friends with Amanda and Stephanie, two girls who live with Ronni in her apartment, and I know them from highschool. I'd been talking to Amanda a little bit lately, and she invited me over for the night when she realized that I was going to be home and doing nothing on a Saturday night. It was just Amanda, Stephanie, me, and this guy Eric that I met through Ronni; we went through 36 beers and an undetermined amount of liquor, I don't think very much. Still, I was very drunk, and definately had at least 15 beers. Hmm, I know my friend Carlos would try and call me out on that, but why would I be posturing to my future self? And besides, I bought a 12 pack of Corona, a 24 pack of Bud Light, and Amanda reminded me that we had a couple shots too. And I remember drinking like three beers to every one beer that the girls had. The girl Stephanie is really hot. We talked a bit, because we were letting Amanda and Eric be alone cuz we thought they would hook up, and I like her a lot. Why do the girls I like always tend to have boyfriends? Blah. Well, we at least fell asleep in each other's arms, even if we didn't do anything except have a bit of meaningful conversation. Well, I think that that's enough of an update for now. It's 4am, and I have shit that I have to do tomorrow. I'll be staying the night at a sleep clinic so they can see if I'm getting the kind of sleep that I should be, or if I have a sleeping disorder. Beh. These brain shivers are really weird. I hope I get new drugs to stop this suicidal ideation before it gets any stronger. Stupid depression, stupid anxiety disorder, stupid substance abuse problem. I felt fairly mentally healthy earlier today though; even though I had a horrible fucking hangover, waking up with someone in your arms definately improves the day... Current Mood: brain shivery (Comment on this)
Friday, January 26th, 2007
9:40 pm	Wiiiiii So I'm getting ready to go out tonight, just waiting for my friend Dustin to give me a call and pick me up. We're going to head over to the fraternity house and party it up a little bit. I don't think it will be that big, but I suppose it'll be good hanging out with my fraternity brothers a bit. I know I shouldn't drink, because of the drugs, but I really want to let loose and have fun with my brothers. Bleh. Before I forget, let me recount my results. I talked to Dr. P, who is the neuropsychologist who did my tests, and he said that I was a little slow on the finger tapping test and the connect the numbers test, but otherwise, I had good attention, and I didn't show any signs of brain damage. So that's a good thing. He said that in regards to the questionares that I did, I show signs of a General Anxiety Disorder, which could be related to my depression. I guess that's good news...? I mean, anxiety disorder is something that is fixable, I think. So that's cool. I really want to see his actual report - I was very surprised that my attention span was fine. But I guess that when my therapist, Dr. C, gets a call, then I'll know more details on the results. I had a meeting with her last Wednesday, and she said that I'm making really good progress. That's good to hear. I mean, most things that I set my mind to I do do really well at, so I guess it shouldn't make a difference when I'm putting my mind to getting my mind in a proper mental state. Lol using mind three times in a sentence is cool. In other news, school is doing alright, I guess. I skipped a couple classes on Thursday, because I didn't have the book for philosophy, I didn't feel like going to astronomy because it's a huge lecture, and I didn't go to the astronomy lab because I was at Target getting my prescriptions filled. So that wasn't that smart of me, but oh well. I do like my french class, surprisingly enough. The teacher is really energetic, and as weird and crazy as he is, he actually keeps people awake in the class, and keeps us volunteering for stuff with some crazy extra credit program. Fairly entertaining; I actually come out of the class feeling better than I do when I go into it. Also, my friend Logan is in the class. She's Dustin's girlfriend, and she's really cute and fun. I need to find a cute fun girl up here. She's blond too... Too bad I couldn't have found her first :-D. Justtt kidding... I wish that Lizz went to school here. I miss her a lot, and I really miss someone to cuddle with. We talk on the phone quite a bit, but it seems that sometimes we just run out of things to talk about. I don't know what's wrong... I just really wish that I could see her - talking on the phone is so impersonal. Guh. I've been feeling kind of depressed lately, once again. As bad as it is to admit, I've been crying sometimes for no fucking reason. Gah! My psy-doc said I shouldn't be watching stuff like Hellsing, the vampire anime, which makes sense. She also said I shouldn't be reading books like "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", and I shouldn't listen to depressing music, like Bayside, I suppose. I've been playing a ridiculous amount of "Supreme Commander." It's a new RTS, and it really is a lot of fun, and looks really pretty. I should be doing other stuff, like homework or socializing, but I find myself just sitting in my room and playing that game more and more often. I guess I just like to put myself in a world where I have some competency in competing, as opposed to here, where there are so many variables that it's much more difficult to measure competency. Work has been alright. We have a new supervisor, Angela, and she's a nice person. She's also pretty cute for a mom, I'd definitely call her a MILF. :-D Oh, and if you haven't noticed in previous statements, my sexual libido is back to it's old self again. I won't get into details, but suffice it to say that I really wish that I could be with Lizz ;-). Andrea won't talk to me anymore, by the way. She said that she didn't want either of our feelings to get hurt, and that Nick, her boyfriend, didn't like her talking to me. That sucks. I really did enjoy talking to her, and I was hoping that I could get rides home every now and then, but I guess that won't be the case. That really sucks. I mean, what the hell? I was helping her out with her fucking relationship, and then when it gets back on track, she can't talk to me anymore? Sweet, thanks. I'll definitely remember to help people out in the future, so they don't talk to me anymore. I know I shouldn't take it personally - her boyfriend is uber-obsessive and really doesn't let her talk to anyone, but it's still really fucking annoying. Eugh. Well, I guess that's all I have to mention here. I know there's a lot more that I could write - I still need to write those fucking papers for last semester!!!!! Eugh, I'll continue shoving it to the back of my head and trying to ignore those feelings of guilt and anxiety. I also have stuff that I have to write for a couple classes every week. Goo. I guess I'll just kind of chill until Dustin gives me a call. I wish I was rich or a vampire. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
12:15 am	Results tomorrow... So I get my neuropsychological test results tomorrow. I'm kind of excited, but I'm kind of nervous too. It's really odd. My thoughts are conflicting. I'd like to be just diagnosed as "Clinically Depressed" but on the other hand, I want to be diagnosed as something more, like Bipolar Type-2, or Borderline Personality Disorder, or something else that isn't as common as clinical depression. I always like to feel significant and "special" and this case isn't any different from anything else. I mean I was in a psychiatric hospital! Eugh, I don't believe how much my thoughts are fighting each other on this. Clinical depression has a 50% chance of being a once in a lifetime deal, which would be awesome - when I heard that I might be Bipolar before, I think I cried, because it's a lifetime episode. But more and more I think about it - I need to be significant!!!!! I can't have just some "common" mental illness. Let me see what I've missed over the last couple days though. I'm back at school, which is great in some ways, not so great in other ways. I suppose I'll point out the things I miss first: I miss Lizz a lot - it's surprising how much I miss her. I guess we're still on that break thing. Her facebook and myspace have her posted as "Single"; that makes me a little jealous, but I guess I was the one who said the stuff in the first place. Bleh, I guess I didn't really realize I was initializing a "break" until I talked to Ronni about it later. I just thought that we were backing off a little bit, but we were still together. January 24th would be our first month anniversary, but I guess it really won't be... That sucks. Anyways, I also miss my dog Annie a lot. I wish she was up here with me. She cheers me up so much and makes me so less depressed. I haven't really been that depressed lately. I mean, I haven't cried in a while, even though for some reason I'm kind of crying now, and I haven't had any of those intense suicidal thoughts that I used to have. I did cut myself a couple nights ago. It was the first I had cut in a while, and it was after I had taken my drugs for the night. The reasoning behind it wasn't any emotional release or anything; it's really quite a geeky and stupid answer to cutting this time. I had just gotten "Hellsing", an anime about vampires that I really like, and just watching all that got me excited about drinking blood. I just wish I was a vampire so much. It's a stupid idea, and a stupid, naive way of looking at the world, but in some sense, I do believe in vampires, and I would give anything to be one. To have some sort of significant power, to live forever, to be far superior to the average person - I would give absolutely anything to be a vampire. But anyways, after watching the show twice, I just had this craving for the taste of blood, even though I knew it was an irrational thought. So I made a bit of a cut, and just sucked the blood out of it. I still enjoy the taste, even though I try to tell myself that it's not that special and there shouldn't be any reason that I should like it. But anyways, I'm trying to hold myself off from cutting in the future. Things I don't miss are mainly my parents and being at home. I just feel so constricted when I'm at home, and I like to be slightly social, which I don't really do at home. So it's a nice change. I think my Ativan and my Lunesta just hit, and I've had a 40 of Shlitz malt liquor. So all of a sudden I feel really tired. I'll try to update information about the classes I've had so far tomorrow. Current Mood: emotional (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 18th, 2007
1:11 am	Something fun... Wow, I haven't posted in more than a week. Shame on me. Let me see if I can accurately recount the last week's occurances. Life has been pretty good; Effexor is working very well, and I have yet to have any suicidal idealisation. Well, I guess that wouldn't be completely true, but the important thing is that even if I have had suicidal thoughts, they've been light and manageable to argue down. I wonder if everyone has those kinds of thoughts - 300mg of Effexor should cook those out of my system, but I guess they only do so much in frying my brain. Oh well. I haven't cut myself in a while - I had made an appointment with my psychiatrist last week after those cutting incidents, and he prescribed me 1mg of Ativan daily. It really helps alot. I guess I was cutting alot due to high anxiety, and the Ativan really cuts that down. On the flip side, I'm fairly tired all the time. I've been taking naps and stuff during the day, even though I get a full night's sleep. But I suppose that it's a better thing to sleep than to cut, and to sleep, perchance to dream, is an activity that I enjoy. Dreams can be so much better than reality... Nothing amazing has happened in the last week - I spent a lot of time with Lizz. Sometime during the last week, we went to Richmond, and smoked hookah with Ronni, and a couple of her friends. It was fun - we were going to stay over and get drunk, but instead we just went back to my place and snuggled. We were too tired after the hookah smoking to get drunk. I got a fake I.D. from that night :-D. It says I'm from New Jersey - I tried it the other night when me and Lizz were at a restaurant, and it worked perfectly. So that was enjoyable, and it promises to be enjoyable in the future. I still have those papers to write... I'm sure they're causing some sense of anxiety in me. I know I should just get them done with, but I just have been so tired lately, I just don't want to do them. I go back to school tomorrow, and hopefully I can get them finished there. Oh, I got contacts today, so I don't have to wear my dumb looking glasses anymore. That's exciting. I feel a little... detached right now. I went to take a nap at around 6:30 this evening, since me and Lizz had planned to go to a movie tonight at 9:40. I got a call from Lizz at 9:15 - I had slept through my alarms. She was tired as well, so we just decided to see each other sometime later... I told her last night that I thought I loved her. We're still doing the "break" thing. After consulting with Ronni on the situation, I discussed with Lizz the fact that although I might have meant it, we were moving too fast, and we should back off a little bit. I guess I agree... The movie thing tonight was an interesting situation - it seems we've both agreed to back off a little bit, especially since this would be her last night to see me before I leave for school. Oh yea, I had my psychological testing the other day. It was very interesting. Let me see if I can remember all the tests. The first test was a questionaire where I had to answer "false" "mostly false" "mostly true" "true". That took about 45 minutes. Then I had to tap my right finger against this thing while keeping my hand totally still. Then the left finger. I asked my dad about this test later, and he said that it makes sure that both sides of the brain are operating at about the same speed. After that test, I had to sit in front of a computer that would flash up letters, one by one. I had to press the spacebar as soon as I saw a letter, all except for the letter "X". I think I failed that test miserably - I kept accidently pressing the spacebar for X. I think that was supposed to measure concentration and whatnot- stuff for ADD. Then the last test was the MMPI - Minnesota Multiple Personality Inventory. It was something like 580 true false statements, and took about an hour to finish. I'll be getting the results in about a week, so I'm definately excited for those. I can't think of anything else that was particularly exciting this last week. I'm tired now, so I'm going to go to sleep. I'll attempt to write more tomorrow. I think the fact that I've written so little is because I've been taking some sort of interest in the world around me - I've been hanging out with Lizz, and reading, and playing computer games, so I haven't had that much of a chance to be my introspective self as much as I'm used to. Good thing or bad thing, I'm not sure. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Friday, January 5th, 2007
10:06 pm	I'm happy, I'm feeling glad Today was a fairly good day. I was in such a good mood all day today, that I wonder if the cutting had something to do with it. I think it did, which unfortunately bodes badly for me. Oh well, I tried calling my psychologist tonight, and didn't get a hold of her, so I cut a little more. I know it's a bad thing, but I'm just tired of arguing with myself about it. I'm sure I'll be able to stop at some point, but I don't think I'm at that point yet. Anyways, today I went to Lizz's around 11. We went and got some food at Sonics, then went and bought Madagascar at Blockbuster. We stopped by the mall to return the pair of pajama pants she bought for me - they were a little too big. So when we returned them, we found out that they were now on sale, so she had a $15 credit. She bought me a really nice pair of shoes, and a shirt for herself, and she still got $3 back! So that was good. I really needed new shoes, and these shoes look really stylish and are very comfortable. Then we went back to her place. We watched Madagascar first, and she fell asleep during it. Then we watched "A Night at the Museum." That was a very silly, and very good, movie. I enjoyed it quite a bit. Oh, we watched it at her place, by the way, because she had a bootleg version. So we basically just relaxed on her couch for most of the day. She slept, and I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't. That was a little annoying. Then we got up to go to dinner with her family, and I think because I didn't do anything all day, I was all twitchy. Dinner was good though; I had salmon and it was delicious. I almost ate all my food! And I had eaten two corn dogs and tater tots at Sonics, so I ate quite a bit today. After dinner, we headed back to her place, and we just chilled on her bed. I had been asking earlier in the day what she thought now that I was back to cutting, and she had said she wanted to talk about it later. So while we were in her bed, cuddling, she explained to me her feelings about the cutting. I expected either disappointment or anger; I got both, and a little something extra. Bottom line is, she was very angry last night, but she thought about it a lot, and came to the conclusion that she can't do anything about it, which is unfortunately true. She's scared - so now she's taking my advice and backing off a little bit. She's 98.3% sure that she wants to be with me, but she wants to back things off a bit right now, because she is so scared that I'm cutting again. I totally understand, but I guess my emotions jumbled up a little bit. I don't really feel like going into that again, but it's not a pleasant feeling. Bleh. I'm tired now. I just feel drained a bit. I'll write more tomorry. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 4th, 2007
6:09 pm	Gah! I forgot to eat today. I'm going to have dinner soon with the family, but I noticed that I haven't eaten anything today. Oh well. I went to Fairfax today, to meet with my psychologist. So I woke up at 9am, and started driving at 9:30. Fucking ridiculous - they closed two of the three lanes of the interstate when I was driving at 11:30. Who the fuck closes the interstate down to one lane unless it's an accident?!? And it wasn't even that important... They were fixing a fucking sign. Gah! I got to my psychologist's on time anyways, but I hate when people are stupid on the road. So at my psychologist's, we mostly talked about the hospital and how much of a shitty time I had. I found out something slightly interesting last night in a conversation with Andrea. She said the only time I showed any emotion was when I broke up with her. I told Ronni this, and Ronni mentioned "Didn't I tell [Ronni] that I only cried because it was easier for Andrea?" And it's true... And the other thing with that, is Lizz said the same thing. She said I never showed any emotion in our relationship - I only called her beautiful once, and that was the closest thing to emotion that she got out of me. I guess I really am quite a cold calculating sort of person. Lizz says that I'm better at showing my emotions now, which I think is true. It just bothers me that I never noticed that I've always been unemotional in relationships. It's not even the fact that I've been unemotional - I'm fine with that. It's just the fact that I never noticed it, even when I self-analyze every move I make, I never realized that fact until someone pointed it out to me. Anyways, the meeting with the psychologist was interesting, as it always is. I'm trying to think of the significant parts of the meeting, but really we just talked about the hospital. I mentioned the emotion thing, and she found that very interesting. She says that I "Stuff, stuff, stuff." Meaning, all I do is stuff away emotions. That's fairly true. She also asked if I wanted anything particular out of the appointment, and I said I wanted to get rid of those pesky thoughts of cutting. She said I should read some book, but she didn't remember what it was called so she'll look it up for me. She also told me that I had to call her if I get the urge to cut. I knew when she said that that I couldn't do it. I almost constantly have the urge to cut... Unfortunately, stopping by campus where my razors were was on my list of things to do for the day. So after the productive meeting with my psychologist, who does an excellent job, I went to my dorm room and made two cuts on my arm. I'm so fucking frustrated. I talked to Andrea last night, an ex-ex-girlfriend. I had wanted to talk to her so long, because I knew I was falling into depression, and I remember that she used to cut at some point. But she had an uber-obsessive boyfriend, and so she hasn't really talked to anyone in the last 6(?) months. But anyways, we talked, and I was hoping that she could help me stop cutting. She cut for a different reason than I did, as I had postulated earlier. She cut to relieve her emotions. I mentioned this to my psychologist, and said that I'm done releasing my emotions, now I just want to ground myself to reality. My psychologist said that I'm still releasing them. I don't think that's true. I went through emotional despair, and now I'm back to normal - emotional apathy. When I cut, I just need a reminder that I am in this reality; that and I like the blood. I think I failed to mention that to the psychologist. I'm so angry at myself for cutting again... I know Lizz will probably be mad at me, and I'm sure my parents will be too, if they find out. But I need it so badly... Life has just seemed so... insignificant, and... like a dream, of sorts. I wonder if it's the Coricidin I used to do back in summer 2002. I read about Coricidin on Wikipedia, and it said that the recreational uses make people go through disassociation episodes. I kind of remember; it's been so long that I almost want to "robo-trip" again, just to get that feeling back... Fucking mind and its fucking intelligence. Oh, I said something to Jason the other day that I think is a pretty cogent quotation: "Intelligent people only make un-intelligent decisions when their view on reality is distorted." I think it's fairly true. When I was suicidal, I still believe that I had excellent decision making abilities, it's just that I was viewing reality in a different light. Oh, that reminds me of something else Dr. C said. She said that it's emotions and moods that depend on how we view our reality. I'm not sure if I agree with that. Actually, I was just going to argue that when I was on Wellbutrin and was happy and focused, just suicidal, so it wasn't my mood. But then I remember she said that drugs and alcohol skew our moods as well. How annoying. She was happy that I'm not suicidal anymore - I am too... I just hate that my mind is still having problems. I think that's the perfectionist part of me screaming again - I feel that since I went to the hospital, I should be completely fixed... I feel that I should be done with any emotional turmoil - I had my chance to vent and be depressed and shit. Now I should be back to normal. This is not the case however, I believe. I know that the therapy will help, and I do connect really well with Dr. C, but I still don't see how calling her when I want to cut will help. I mean, I was hoping for a solution this last meeting, but there was nothing. What can she tell me to do that would make me think of an alternative to this? I know it's wrong to do... But it feels so good. I remember quite a few years ago, I think I was in 10th or 11th grade, I said something like this to my aunt: "Pain is the only constant in life." I still feel that way. Pain is the only thing that is a definite in life. And by causing myself pain, I reassure myself that I do, in fact, exist. One of my philosophies in life is "When I die, the world dies." The world is defined by my reality, distorted as it might be. So when I die, the world no longer exists. Dr. C asked me to expound on the subject. To use a blunt example, I pointed out how I could be a schizophrenic strapped into a chair at a psychiatric hospital, and all of this is just an elaborate dream... She assured me that I was NOT a schizophrenic, and to some extent, I believe her. But the bottom line is still the same - if my reality is distorted, it's the only thing I have to go on. And to reassure myself that my reality is the same as everyone else's, I need to cause myself pain so I ground myself into position. And I like the taste of blood. Lol, I really do need to mention that to her. To switch subjects completely, Lizz and I played pool last night. It was a lot of fun, and I think I might be falling for her. Finally! Lol, I just noticed how cute she was last night, and how very devoted she is. While my mind is flinging in thousands of different directions, she's like a lighthouse that guides the frayed images of my reality. She asked me why I'm dating her the other night, just as I had asked her. She said that the reason she loves me is because "A lot of things. I love how you strive to be the best at everything you do. You have big aspirations and I like that. I like how it feels right." That made me feel good. Too bad aspirations as big as mine can lead to glory or a fiery death. Anyway, she asked me why I cared for her. My response was something like "I like how no matter how fucked up I am, you'll be there. You remind me of reality." She asked what that meant, and I basically told her what I said earlier, except not so eloquently, I believe. But it's true... Her devotion and her world-view forces me to think that perhaps this isn't just some dream... Alright, well I've been typing for a long time, and I'm getting slightly tired. I might stay up until 10:30 to talk to Andrea. I don't feel comfortable talking about cutting to anyone else. I hope Lizz can understand... But in another way, I hope she can't, because she doesn't have the capability to be in the world-view that is as dark and movie-like as mine. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Monday, January 1st, 2007
4:00 pm	Happy new years... What an interesting day. Well, I suppose I'll start by saying what I did after my last post, on Saturday. So I talked to Marshie, briefly, and then Andrea, an ex-girlfriend, IMs me about how she's sorry that she wouldn't let me apologize. So we talked a little bit on instant messenger; I would like to talk to her more because I really need help on stopping the urge to cut. However, I believe that my reasons for cutting are a little bit different than the norm. It seems most people cut to relieve themselves from emotions. I use cutting as an assurance of reality. But anyways, I'll talk to Andrea a little more and she can hopefully help me get rid of the annoying addiction. Anyways, Saturday was quite a bit of emotional turmoil, what with talking to two ex's; one who I still have problems talking to, and one who ignored me for the last eight months or something like that. My family and I went to see "The Producers" later in the evening - it's a very, very silly musicale. It did a good job at distracting me from the day's events. Then I went over to Lizz's to stay the night. That was nice - I went to sleep really late though, even though I was tired, because we were watching Harry Potter and I hadn't seen the movie in a really long time. I had a horrible night of sleeping though. I kept having this nightmare where I was back in the psychiatric hospital... Horrible night of sleeping. Sunday, what did I do... I went back home in the morning, and I just kind of slept the whole day. Not really slept, just layed in bed. Bleh... I just felt crappy and twitchy the whole time. I went over to Ronni's later in the evening... That was kind of fun. It was just me, Ronni, our friend Lori, and Ronni's friend Eric. We drank - I had a couple shots, a couple beers, and a couple glasses of champagne. Fun stuff. I passed out at 1am, because I was so tired... Everyone else was still up, but I was just so damn tired. Anyways, this morning I woke up at 930, and felt fresh and refreshed. I went to my house, picked up my sister, then me and my family went to my grandparents. What an interesting lunch that was. It was going fine, until my grandfather started talking about the property. Basically, me, my father, and my sister all own about 7% each of the property, as a way of getting out of inheritance tax, and getting my grandparents a lower tax bracket. Bottom line is, though, that they won't pay my tuition anymore, but they'll give me, my father, and my sister $8000 a year for our percentage. It was a long, arduous conversation, where I was clearly in control, because I get along the most with my grandparents. But anyways, I need to go, so I'll post later. Current Mood: aggravated (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 30th, 2006
4:18 pm	WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF A DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER? People with Dissociative Disorders may experience any of the following: depression, mood swings, suicidal tendencies, sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking), panic attacks and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to stimuli or "triggers"), alcohol and drug abuse, compulsions and rituals, psychotic-like symptoms (including auditory and visual hallucinations), and eating disorders. In addition, individuals with Dissociative Disorders can experience headaches, amnesias, time loss, trances, and "out of body experiences." Some people with Dissociative Disorders have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed). I really want to cut myself right now. My razors are still at school though, luckily I suppose. What a troublesome line of thinking. Current Mood: infuriated (Comment on this)
3:46 pm	Fuck How fucking annoying. I'm really fucking twitchy right now, and yet I'm tired and fatigued. What the fuck is the problem. And I just lay in bed, with a pillow over my eyes, and I can't do anything except analyze things as I'm twitching. I lie directly on my back, with my hands crossed at my mid-section, exactly as if I were in a coffin. Lizz stayed the night over two nights ago, on Thursday. We had gone shopping up at Potomac Mills. I got a lot of stuff, for about $80. I got two pairs of pants, a polo shirt, and a really nice coat. Now it just has to get colder, and I'll be all set. My mind keeps jumping in different directions. It's as twitchy as my body, I think. How fucking annoying. I write in this journal for one main reason, though. That is to make sure there is a safe place for my memories - my fucking mind isn't a safe place, clearly. I think what might have me so twitchy right now is a combination of things. The medication, fo sho, but also because I saw Marshie today for the first time in a long time. She IMed me earlier today, asking if I was going to be home so she could get her Anchorman DVD. I said I would be home, and she could call me when she left her house. She called me. I was driving back from Wal-Mart, where I got a haircut and I looked to buy a new Anchorman DVD cuz I couldn't find Marshie's copy. So anyways, I get home, and find the DVD in my sister's room. Marshie comes over with her boyfriend and I give her the DVD. We exchanged very few words. I think I asked her two or three times "So how's life?" I'm not sure. I promised myself that I would be fine when she came, and my mother even asked me if I wanted her to give the DVD to Marshie. I was fine. But here I am, pondering my history of relationships, and the stability of my mind... Fucking mind. Fucking intelligence. Oh, I figured out why I cut the other day. I was driving back from Potomac Mills, and I kept getting that pesky urge to cut again. It wasn't an isolated incident - I've been getting the urge to cut fairly often, but I've wrestled it down a bit. Anyways, the reason I like cutting is because I feel so de-personalized from the world that the pain is a relief for me. It's like saying "yes you do still exist." I looked up on wikipedia the contents of dissociative disorder, and I think I might be suffering from it. The annoying thing is, it pops up in your early 20s, and doesn't go away until your 30s. I don't know. I'm probably misdiagnosing myself, but I seem to fit all the criteria for that disorder. At the height of my suicide idealation, I was also at the height of de-personalization. I was convinced that if I didn't matter to the world, with six and a half billion people, then there was no point in "striving to mediocrity." But anyways. I think I'm done. I don't know what else to type. I'm just so fucking twitchy and I'm annoyed with myself, as usual. Guh. Current Mood: twitchy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
9:01 am	Back at home... It's weird not to have journaled a lot recently. I was just so used to writing so much at that psychiatric hospital, and now I haven't written anything in the past couple days. I mean, I've been busy getting my journal onto the computer, but that's really no excuse to not update everyone on my status as of late. I've had an interesting couple of days. On Sunday, I just kind of relaxed - my family is very careful not to make me stressed out at all. Lizz came over later in the evening. We had fondu, which I love. Lizz's mom was in the hospital because of chest pains, and Lizz was a little emotionally distraught because of that. She stayed for a little while anyways, and we watched a Simpsons episode. We are now official - she's my girlfriend! :-D So that was an exciting Christmas Eve present. I had written a note to her when I was in the hospital, and she read it when she came over. Anyways, on Monday, I was the first one in the house to wake up. I woke up at around 8, and went through my stocking first. I got a couple cool things in my stocking - some sushi bandaids, a keychain thing that I can keep my drugs in, and some golf gloves. Couple other things too, mostly candy. I don't especially like sweet things most of the time, but I'm sure there will be a time when I'm craving candy. Then everyone in the house woke up, and we opened presents. I got quite a haul this year. Topping the list was a brand new Gravity longboard. It's really hot, and really comfortable to skateboard on. I also got a new printer, some clothes, some cd's, and a couple computer things. So yea, it was a pretty good Christmas. And relaxing, too. Usually my grandparents come over, and we have a formal dinner with them. My parents told them that they were picking me up from Fairfax on Christmas, though, so they didn't come over. For the rest of the day, I just kind of relaxed. Even though it was raining, I went out and tried my new longboard at the highschool parking lot around here. It's so much fun. Lizz was going to come over, but I was too tired, and I knew she was tired too. She had driven up to Fredericksburg to visit family, and was driving back when I started feeling tired; around 8 o'clock. Let's see. Yesterday... I worked a lot on getting my novel on to the computer, and then I went out to stop by my grandparent's house on my way to see Lizz and go ice-skating. My grandparents are doing alright. I know that they're a stressor in my life, but I like being the "Golden Child." I like that I'm the one who convinces them to manage their property - valued at $4.6 million. It fills me with a sense of... pride? Hmm, some emotion, something that has to do with feeling valued. After stopping by there, I went out to go to the mall - Lizz worked until 6:45, so I just walked around the mall a bit. There were some really good sales - I ended up spending like $50 on clothes. I got a nice shirt, some pajama bottoms, and a thermal shirt. Very comfortable, and very nicely priced. Then Lizz got off work, and we went to her house so she could get socks. Lol, she tried to race me home and I kind of kicked her ass. I <3 my car. And I love driving again. Then we went ice-skating. It was a lot of fun! But I'll never be a professional ice skater. I was just starting to get the hang of it a little bit when they closed. It was fun though, it was a good Christmas thing to do, and I liked hanging out with Lizz. We went to her house after that, got some Starbucks, and then went back to her house. Heh, then we "broke in" her new car, right in front of her house. I was a little worried about having sex - I hadn't tried doing anything, even masturbating, with these drugs. But it was fine, even though I didn't finish. I think that's the remnants of the Celexa in my system. And I think I've kind of noticed my sexual libido is a little less than normal. I used to jack off like at least once a day, and now I just don't. I wonder if things will change, or what will happen. I guess I haven't really noted my psychological state in the last couple days. It's been... fluctuating. As I said, I've been waking up early in the mornings, usually around 7:30-8:30am. Then I take the Effexor, and by around 10 or 11, I kind of fully wake up. At first, I would get really twitchy in the afternoons, and I would have to take some Vistaril to calm myself down. But it's gotten a lot better. When my parents picked me up on Saturday, I was reallly twitchy; it's especially noticeable when I am drinking something, because my hand is so twitchy and you can see the liquid kind of shaking. But as I said, it's gotten a lot better. I didn't take any Vistaril at all yesterday. But it was odd; in the evening, I kind of felt somewhat off. I don't know how to describe it. I felt like the drugs were trying to mute my intelligence somewhat. I think that's how I described it to Lizz. And I was just kind of out of it. I was at American Eagle, and I walked right by Lizz. And my pupils were enormous last night. But after ice skating, I felt a lot better, and definitely more awake. I'm not sure what the drug is doing to me, but it is keeping me from sliding back into suicide idealization, so that's a definite plus. Now I'm going to go back to transcribing this journal on to the computer. Lizz and Jason both said it was very interesting, and slightly disturbing. That's cool - I think it can be a seller. I really have to work on finding an agent though. I'll try doing that today. Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Monday, December 25th, 2006
12:20 pm	Letting everyone know what's going on... I'm about to dump a bunch of text into this... I wrote alot while I was in the hospital, and I'm going to post and type all of it up. Just giving you guys a heads up. I'll be post dating it, so you might have to look starting on December, 15th... That's when I was committed, and I started writing. Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 21st, 2006
10:41 am	7:30am - 10:41am 12/21/06 Well, in retrospect, yesterday wasn't such a bad day after all. For one, I didn't have any suicide thoughts. Well, I guess that would be stretching it, but the real answer is that I had slight suicidal thoughts, but I was able to conquer them, I really think it must have been the Wellbutrin, because clearly my suicidal urges were coming and going with the intensity of the meds. Now I don't feel as bad as yesterday as well. I just felt so out there yesterday because of the Ativan withdrawal, that it was difficult for me to write anything (legibly, at least.) So anyways, I'm tensely looking forward to today. I just need to play the system, and everything should be fine. I think I'm stable enough to again join the outside world, and I'm ready to challenge anyone who thinks otherwise. Just get me out of here! I think I will enjoy life much more, after an event like this. So today's schedule is probably going to be fairly rigid. We'll have to adhere fairly strongly to the group therapy meetings, especially after that talk my father gave yesterday in the treatment team meeting. I don't think I was very coherent yesterday, so I'll briefly recount the story of what happened: The meeting consisted of me, my father, Dr. A (my psychiatrist), the case manager, and the charge nurse. The tension in the air was so thick you could have cut through it like a hot knife through butter. Dr. A briefly went through my medical chart. The fact that he wanted to get me off the Seroquel and the Ativan was understandable. He also wanted to bring my Lunesta down to a lower level - 3 mg. Also understandable.I told him about the trend I was seeing, and how that trend was reflexive on the tides of the medications. He immediately snapped at me that I hadn't been telling him this; I had told him on Tuesday morning that I didn't have suicide thoughts when I met him in the morning. Which was true, I didn't have suicidal throughts in the morning. I did have them in the afternoon though, which is what I stated in the treatment team meeting. So anyways, he was all pissy. He withdrew the Wellbutrin and told how he was ramping down the other drugs. He was kind of pissy about the 60 mg of Celexa, but 60 mg is still not extra-ordinarily high. 80 mg is the max for Celexa, and 40 mg is average. It's a mid-range anti-deppressant, but as stated before, 60 mg is not alot. So then we moved along to my case management - the non-medical parts. They basically bitched about how I should have done my workbook, because if I followed the workbook, then everything would be fine and dandy. It is purely my fault for not working to "connect" with the nurse techs, and purely to the blame of myself for not taking the initiative to do my workbook. So it was a very... interesting meeting. Anyways, a lot of the random sadness I've had has turned into healthy anger, so I guess that's a good thing. And it seems that all the nurse techs are on edge, because of the meeting with my dad and the hospital administrator yesterday. I definitely don't want to do the out-patient services. I was talked to by the director of that, but I'm just so turned off by Snowden in general that I don't think I would enjoy or really get that much out of doing that therapy. Also, during our gingerbread house making session, we met with the out-patient group. They didn't seem at my intelligence level, and as I understand it, there would be a lot of groups still going on. Very little individual therapy, which is what I need. So anyways, x-nay on that factor. My dad visited last night, and we discussed plans for my mental health. I asked him to call around - he has some contacts in Richmond, and should be able to find a good therapist willing to do some intense one on one after Christmas. So I'm looking forward to that. This woman, Lisa, my case manager, just came in and briefly asked what my discharge plans are. I told her basically what I wrote down - except the reason for not doing the out-patient stuff is because of the long drive, not any other reason. Heh. How interesting. I just had a meeting with my psychiatrist, Dr. A. I discussed the sexual side effect that the Celexa has on me (it doesn't let me finish), so he suggested Effexor. Effexor should be about the same. Instead of the sexual side effect, the side effect with Effexor is high blood pressure. I'm not too worried about that. I have notoriously good blood pressure, so hopefully I'll be able to finish during sex, and still feel great anti-depressant-wise. I've kind of been keeping this post running all day... I'm not breaking it up because th breaks in between are so short. We just talked about relaxation techniques, and I mentioned how long boarding is so relaxing and good exercise. I wish I could have long boarding therapy. We also discussed (or actually, Phil just talked) about "nine coping skills for healthy living" - four of which I fail at. 1) Expressing my feelings - I'm not very good at that. 2) Accepting Imperfection - I accept it in others, but never in my self. 3) Be kind to yourself - This is kind of a stupid thing, but it's one thing I don't do. I usually focus only on bad things - never the good. and 4) Ask for help - Clearly, I did that by going to a psy-doc, and coming here voluntarily, but it's still not something I'm good at doing. So anyways, that was slightly informative. Not immensely, but still, it helps a little bit. I'm trying to be more positive about this whole hospital deal - as I mentioned, I just need to continue working the system, and I'll get out of here. I don't think this place will have had an immense help on my mental health, but I think it stabilized it to the point where I can enjoy life more. I think I'll miss that great feeling of focus that the Wellbutrin gave... I'm pretty sure it was giving me that great feeling, as well as those heavy suicidal thoughts. But now that I know the range of my intelligence, I can always work to achieve that state of mind again, and stretch my mental capabilities to their maximum strength. I think that Effexor is in the same group as Wellbutrin, in terms of anti-depressants. I want to look that up when I get home. Maybe it will give me the same effects that Wellbutrin did. And this time I can be on guard for the suicidal thoughts, if they occur. I'll try and be careful, and if they occur, I'll counter them by reading this journal. It's been fairly useful so far. Well, now there's a longish break, so I'm going to sign out. Oh, Jennifer just got out from talking to her doctor, and she's going home today. Bah, I'll be all alone again. Oh well... we'll see how things are later today, when I'm alone. (Comment on this)